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I want to call your name, but I can’t.

 

I want to speak to you tell you that it is okay and that it will be alright, but I can’t.

 

I want to hug you, kiss you, lovingly push the hair back out of your face, but I can’t.

 

I want a lot of things, that I can’t have, I want you to be mine once more, I want to look deep in your eyes and tell you that I love you, but I can’t.

 

I’m sat right behind you and you can’t even see me. You don’t dare to turn around and just look at me. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, to make you feel better, to prove my love for you. But what can I say? There are no words left for us now. Black always did look good on you, not that anything didn’t. You always did look so handsome. But seeing you wear black today of all days makes me want to cry.

 

I understand why you did it. I understand why you chose today. It’s very romantic darling, but you always were. I just always wanted this day to hold good memories of us, not bad ones. I wanted you to always remember today as a celebration of our love. Of our eternal vows together. Of that special day, of our special day on the beach. You wore black then, too. But it was happy wasn’t it? The day we sealed our love with “I do”. It’s romantic that you would choose this day, but now you will always be sad when you remember this day darling. It does round it off perfectly though. The day of our wedding, and then, just five years later, the day of my funeral. You organised it perfectly dear, just like I always knew you would. Everyone important is here and everything is beautiful. I don’t want you to cry, though. I’m still here darling, I’m watching you. And I’ll stay with you as long as I can, I promise.

 

I’m in the car with you; I’m sat right next to you. Please don’t cry. I could never stand to see you cry. You know I love you, you know I do. I’m here and I’m staying. We’re home now, isn’t it nice? I know you, and I know what you’re thinking, but the house isn’t empty because I’m here with you, can’t you see?

 

I know you can’t and there’s nothing I can do. You can’t stop me from climbing into bed beside you, though. Just like I have for the past eight years. I know you can feel me here, just a little. And I’m sorry it makes you cry. It’s hard for me too, but it will get better. It will. Don’t cry again darling. I can’t stand to see you cry. I touch your hair and you can feel it. It comforts you the same way that it always used to. I know it doesn’t feel this way now, but soon you’ll get used to sleeping like this. With a vague memory of me to make you feel better. It’s sweet that you’ve kept everything how it is for now, but we both know that soon you’ll have to move on. I can’t keep you back from the rest of your life; it is going to be amazing. You always have been so dynamic and you can do anything you want. Oh, if only you knew I was right here. Surely you know I wouldn’t leave you alone the first night back in the house? Our house. Our life together that you have to live alone. I don’t envy you. Sleep now, sleep. It’s going to be fine.

 

You’re finally sorting out the photo albums, like you always said you would. What can I do to stop you from crying? How can I wipe your tears away without touching you? It’s so terrible that the time that you need me the most, you can’t see me. You can’t be with me and you can barely feel me when I touch you. I’m just a whisper of a memory that you loved, cherished. I’m still here. You can’t believe it, but I am. I’m not leaving you.

 

Oh, look, our wedding photos! Oh, oh, don’t cry, it was a happy day! We have happy memories together don’t we? We were so happy that day. Did I ever tell you it was the best day of my life? Our promises together. The start of our most exciting journey. There is nothing to cry about, I promise you. Turn around, you’ll see me. We had a great time. The best time. Yes, it feels too short, yes it feels unfair, but our lives were so rich and full, you know that. You know we lived every day to the full. It just had to end sometime. I am so grateful to you for letting me share your magical world, and letting me live my life to its fullest extent. You unlocked my potential, you really did, as well as my heart, which is and always will be completely yours. All I could ever give you in return for all this wonderful living was my love, which I gave you with no regret or any hesitation. It seemed enough for you. You always were my saviour.

 

I tickle the back of your neck, like you always wanted me to, to relax you whilst you sleep. You were back at work yesterday, but I didn’t follow you. I know it was hard, for both of us, and I know you had a terrible day but things have to move on now. It’s been a few months now darling and soon I’m going to have to leave you for good. Tears spring to my eyes as I force myself to keep tickling you, how you always liked. If I don’t leave now though, I’ll have to watch you with someone else. You have my blessing, don’t think you don’t, I always wanted to see you happy, but you know it would tear at me.

 

You sigh in your sleep. This always did make you happy, relaxed. As long as you have good dreams, that’s all I can ask for. Happiness will come with a little more time, but peaceful sleep will help you along. The early morning rays are peeping through the curtains and instinctively I know it’s time. I wanted to stay a couple more nights, keep you relaxed in your sleep, but I am grateful for my extra time with you. The sun is rising too quickly and I don’t want to leave you again. I lean over and give you one final, huge hug. You roll over a little and I lay on your chest like I used to. You can sense this; I know you can, because you wake up, just the tiniest bit. Your arms wrap around me and I know for the last few seconds, we both feel the warmth of each other one last time.

 

You open your eyes and look straight at me. Through my sad tears, I smile softly at you. “I love you,” I murmur.

 

Still sleepy, you smile like you used to whenever you saw me. “I love you too,” you whisper back and I feel the familiar flutter I always got when you spoke those words, and the spread of happiness throughout my body.

 

“Goodbye,” I mouth at you. I haven’t the strength to put voice behind it. I give you one final squeeze and then I am gone.

 

 


 

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